Life After No Contact: Love Bombing (and other reactions) by your Narcissistic Parent

You've reached the point where you're fed up with your toxic parent's narcissistic behaviors and cut them out of your life. It wasn't an easy decision, and you fretted for a long time as to whether writing them off completely was the best option for your future.  You didn't want to have to accept that they would never change.  You didn't want to give up hope that someday things might be better.  Blame it on a society that reveres parental love as pure, unconditional and self-sacrificing, in spite of what you experienced to the opposite, first hand. And so, one day, perhaps after an especially charged and abusive incident, you've finally reached a place of relative peace with yourself that says it's best for your own mental health to grieve the relationship you never had, and leave the awful one you did have in the past where it belongs. You didn't do it to punish them, or to try to get them to wake-up and change (even if a small part of you still futilely hopes for that outcome).  You did it because society's vision of your parent doesn't mesh with what you know to be true: being connected with them hurts you more than it helps you.

For many of us, what follows this declaration (whether voiced to our parents themselves or simply internally realized) is an outright narcissistic unhinging.

Timeline of Narcissistic Parent reactions to No Contact

You're most likely to experience first: an uptake in augmentative correspondence, usually in the form of emails, voice-mails, snail mail and text messages directly to you, fervently denying they've done anything wrong, and that really, the problem is with you.  This first act comes from the narcissist's desire to maintain the status quo. For many years, they've been able to bully you into submission, and so the first tactic in their narcissistic toolbox is to fall back on previously successful patterns.  When it fails, and you don't reestablish contact with them by either submitting to their claims or engaging in an argument, they try something else.

Next, typically, come the Flying Monkeys and smear campaigns. Having unsuccessfully engaged you into fighting with them (and coming up short on the narc supply they could once count on you for), the next tactic in their narcissistic toolbox is involving third parties. You'll likely next begin receiving correspondence from other relatives and mutual friends. Their attempts to get involved might range from the seemingly well-meaning ("I just want to ease the tension in our family"), making you feel guilty and as if you're coming up short on familial obligation, to the downright abusive ("How could you do this to your parent/my spouse/my sibling/our parent/my friend? What's wrong with you?!") exhibiting the side they've already taken without having even discussed it with you. If these attempts to regain contact with you fail, they'll likely move on to the next, and most emotionally confusing, tactic in their narc toolbox: Love Bombing.

Love Bombing 

If you're not familiar with the concept of Love-Bombing, here's a little historical context:

The term "Love Bombing" came about in the 1970's to explain how people were seductively recruited into cults that asked them to give up their entire lives (finances, relationships, residences, etc) for a seemingly higher purpose. In 1996, the concept was popularized by psychology professor Margaret Singer in her book Cults In Our Midst.

"As soon as any interest is shown by the recruits, they may be love bombed by the recruiter or other cult members. This process of feigning friendship and interest in the recruit was originally associated with one of the early youth cults, but soon it was taken up by a number of groups as part of their program for luring people in. Love bombing is a coordinated effort, usually under the direction of leadership, that involves long-term members' flooding recruits and newer members with flattery, verbal seduction, affectionate but usually nonsexual touching, and lots of attention to their every remark. Love bombing - or the offer of instant companionship - is a deceptive ploy accounting for many successful recruitment drives."

I point out that the idea of Love-Bombing first came from cult recruiters to illustrate the deliberate, calculated nature of this intense emotional manipulation. In our context, narcissistic parents who have failed at engaging us through arguments, guilt-tripping, smear campaigns, etc, who are still intent on keeping you under their control, might, as a last resort, make it appear as though they have changed and truly love you. It's important to remember that Love-Bombing isn't actually from a place of love on their part for you, it is instead their last ditch effort to regain the supply from you that they've lost.

You might, for the first time in you life, begin to receive signs of remorse for their behaviors. You might actually receive apologetic letters, emails and voice-mails. Pay very close attention to the language used, as it is unlikely to come from true sincerity, and try your best not to get sucked in. Remember that your position is of someone who has been neglected, abused, and/or consistently put in second-place to their needs for most of, or all of, your life.  Receiving something like that from someone you thought so toxic you had to remove them from your life, is very jarring. It is natural for you to second-guess your decision, and to begin wondering if you'd pulled the No Contact trigger too early.  It is also extremely common for people in your position to engage in severe self-doubt and feel guilty for "labeling" their parent as toxic or narcissistic, despite the years of abuses that lead to your decision for No Contact.  When we have been starved, crumbs can look and taste like lobster.  But watch out.  Because Love-Bombing, through a guise of remorse, is deliberately designed to make you question your view of them so that they may regain their control and access to your life.

Even if they haven't acknowledged the importance of occasions special to you in many many years (i.e. birthdays, weddings, graduations, etc) it's not uncommon to suddenly begin receiving gifts, cards and correspondence for these occasions (or for no reason at all). Perhaps you can't remember the last time your parent told you they loved you, and maybe they never had.  But suddenly, you're receiving texts and cards which declare an undying love for you. Maybe, if you're a parent yourself, and they've shown little interest in your children up to the point of No Contact, suddenly, they're interested in becoming a doting grandparent. They're sending gifts to your children, and attempting to see them. Again, it is NATURAL for you to feel a lot of guilt and turmoil in the wake of these new behaviors. After all, the narcissist has designed these attempts precisely for the reason of making you question yourself and see them in a better light.  It is NOT about you.  It is about their own self-perception. It's very hard for a narcissist (impossible, even) to accept rejection.

Love-Bombing, at it's core, is an act of desperation. It is NOT a sincere out-pouring of love, nor the signs of someone truly changing their behaviors. Though it may, on the surface, appear that way.

But What If It Is Real?

"How do I know what I'm receiving is really Love-Bombing and not real sincere love and change?" you may be asking. And it is a valid question. People are capable of change.  Even abusers. So how do we know when these acts of seeming love are coming from the heart, or from a place of narcissistic desperation? The best advice I can offer is to take it slow and maintain boundaries.

As we've established, Love-Bombing comes from an internal need the narcissistic parent themself has, and nothing to do with you or your feelings.  It typically follows other more clearly abusive tactics to regain control over you as outlined above, or around a time when the narcissist has lost supply elsewhere.  Such as the loss of another relationship, a time of severe stress, financial trouble, etc. It also (herein is the key difference between Love-Bombing and sincere love and remorse) typically doesn't last for long periods of time. Because Love-Bombing is usually the last tactic in the narcissistic arsenal, if it doesn't work, they give up. Although some will have such intense feelings of rejection and failure, that they will return to the behaviors highlighted above out of spite and self-preservation.  Such as employing 3rd parties, guilt trips and abusive correspondence.

True love, remorse and change, comes from the deepest parts of the heart.  It recognizes that they've hurt you, deeply.  To the point that you're fed up with them. It understands that major turmoil in relationship of this magnitude demands time and consistency to regain trust. It respects your boundaries and waits, patiently, for your willingness to allow them back into your life.  It recognizes you, and your hurt feelings, as valid, deserved and justified. It doesn't blame you, or suggest that you've done anything to deserve the abuse. It accepts the consequences of their actions, but hopes that they'll have a chance to show you love again, if you're willing and on your own timeline.

Whether you are religious or not, the words of the Apostle Paul give us a great outline for what true love is supposed to look like:

1 Corinthians 13:4-8New International Version (NIV)

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

In the end, if you feel that the love you're suddenly receiving qualifies these indicators, then by all means, resume contact if and when you're ready. But if it doesn't, hold true to yourself and know, without guilt or apprehension, that your abuser has only upped their game as a means of being able to abuse you further in the future. And you are wise enough to see right through it for what it is.

But What If I'm the Abusive One?

Language adapted from Lundy Bancroft's blog from abusive "partners" to "parents."

Spending time with an abusive parent can become a twisted world where bad is good, down is up, and wrong is right. Many people over the years have said to me, “My parent tells me that I’m the one abusing them. They have said it so many times that I start to wonder if they're right. How do I know if it’s them or me?"

We can look at some ways to answer that question, but first I would like you to read a few concepts, taking a deep breath after each one so that you can absorb it.

One: You are not responsible for their behavior. You do not make them do things. Their actions are their own choice.

Breathe.

Two: You deserve to be treated well even when you make mistakes, and even if you make them a lot.

Breathe.

Three: Setting firm, clear limits for how your parent is allowed to treat you is not the same thing as controlling them, and should not be called control.

Breathe.

Four: Choosing to not always put your parent’s needs ahead of your own does not constitute hurting them, wronging them, or being selfish. You have the right to give substantial priority to your own needs and desires.

Breathe.

Five: If you scream and yell once in a while that does not mean that you are crazy or abusive (though they may say so). It depends on whether you are yelling degrading things, whether your parent is intimidated by you, whether you are yelling to control them (versus yelling to resist their control), and many other factors.

Breathe.

These five concepts cover most of the situations where angry and controlling parents try to turn the tables on their children. If you work on digesting each point, they will have a much harder time convincing you that you are really the one with the problem.

But I haven’t really answered your question yet. You may still wonder, “But what if they really aren't the destructive one, and I am? How would I know?” Here’s how:

* They're kind to you most of the time, and treat you reasonably decently even when they're mad or upset with you.

* They take responsibility for their own actions, not frequently blaming them on you or on stress or other excuses. And they don't get scary.

* They have asked you repeatedly, and in a decent and thoughtful way (not in a stream of put-downs) to change specific behaviors of yours, and you seem to keep returning to doing those things they have asked you not to do.

* They have shown willingness to work on things you want them to work on, and have taken real steps regarding those issues (not just making promises).

If all of the above points are true then, okay, maybe you need to look at your treatment of them. But otherwise – and I’m willing to bet your situation falls into the “otherwise” category – your parent is doing what so many abusive parents do, which is turning things into their opposites in order to have even more weapons to hammer you with.

Lundy Bancroft, adapted by C.G. all rights to the original author.  

Lundy Bancroft is the author of Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. I personally feel this work is the abuse Bible and although it may seem to only apply to it's intended audience (women experiencing abuse in romantic relationships), the themes of entitlement, manipulation and abuse are universal to all abuse survivors. I recently reached out to him asking if he ever thought about writing a book for adult child abuse survivors, and his response is as follows:

"I feel like I don't know enough about abusive parents (except for men who abuse women and also abuse the kids) to write a book about it. I have thought sometimes about writing a book about children's rights which I feel more qualified to write (since I am a former child but not a child abuse survivor). Maybe that would be a way to get at a lot of the same issues, but from a slightly different angle."

Regardless, with small mental adaptations for the words "Partner" for "Parent" in his existing work, you may find great clarity and understanding by reading his books. I highly recommend them.

Could I be a Narcissist?

From what I've seen and experienced first hand myself, the first question Children of Narcissists ask when initially learning about these ideas is undoubtedly: Could I be a narcissist? And likely, the answer is no.  But if you're not convinced, let's first get a little test out of the way.

Alright, I know that meme is a joke, but there's truth in it. Malignant narcissists, by nature, think highly of themselves.  So highly, in fact, they very rarely engage in self-doubt, if ever at all.  So by asking the question: Am I a narcissist? you have already eliminated the number one diagnostic criteria for NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), grandiosity, merely by doubting whether or not you could be one.

Next, let's check if you fit the following criteria for a clinical narcissistic diagnosis.

DSM-IV Criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:[Emphasis, mine] 

(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements) 

(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love 

(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions) 

(4) requires excessive admiration 

(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations 

(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends 

(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others 

(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her 

(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Still not convinced? Take this online test and come back when you've finished. I'll wait :)

No rush...take your time.

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Alright, got it out of your system? I hope so.  But hey, I get it.  When I first learned about NPD and started researching, I saw myself in everything I read.  Hell, not even just NPD.  By my fifth session with my therapist, I had walked in there after many a late night Google searches and too many Wikipedia entries fully convinced that I was everything from Narcissistic to Borderline to Histrionic.  Every time I came in with one of these sure self-diagnoses, I'd sulk onto my doc's fluffy couch, admit my crazy and brace myself for the inevitable: You're nuts.  Totally gone, over the edge, looney-ville.  There's absolutely nothing anyone can do to help you. In fact I am now crazier just for having listened to you.  I award you no treatment, and may God have mercy on your soul. 

Thankfully, I have an amazing doctor. Each one of these times, she would patiently listen and then pull out her copy of the DSM.  She would ask me questions to see whether or not I fit each criteria, and then reassure me that I am not, in her clinical opinion, suffering from any type of personality disorder. Whew!

I'd find myself skipping out of her office.  It's not me! I'm not crazy! Whoooo! But within days, I'd find myself on yet another Wikipedia psychosis page at 1 A.M., staring at it in bug eyed terror and questioning how I had manipulated my therapist out of seeing the real me.  

Why, oh why, does this happen? 

Here's the thing about growing up with and spending large chunks of time with narcissists. They must be the most important person in everyone's lives.  For their victims, this means little to zero room for yourself.  You are not allowed to think for yourself, and if you do, you are punished. If you dare to put your own needs above theirs, you will inevitably be called some form of "selfish."

"Irony? Party of one! Irony??"

But most of all, if you ever get the balls to stand up to them, you will, undoubtedly, be accused of being crazy or [Insert your Narc's favorite armchair diagnosis here].  This is known as Projection. 

Also, as a means of simple survival, those with heavy exposure to narcissists have a strong tendency to unconsciously recognize their narc's lack of personal accountability.  Meanwhile our internal senses of "fairness" and "justice" lead us to need to place the blame somewhere. And guess who's the easiest target when you're still entangled in the tentacles of abuse? Nope, not your abuser.  YOU. It's like your subconscious says: Hey, that person's beating up on me. It sure looks like they're having fun, so maybe I should beat up on me too.

Take all of these juicy dysfunctional messages and boil them up in a pot and what do you get? A prize-winning recipe for self-hatred and self-neglect. The kind that makes you think you have to be the one who was the problem, especially if you've been exposed to more than one narc because you rationalize that you're the common denominator. It's the kind that doesn't even know you have an internal voice, let alone how to listen to it. It's the kind that makes you want to be the problem, because then you might have control over it.

Stop.  Right now.  Stop. 

Breathe.

You, merely by still being here, by surviving so much adversity, are an AMAZING person.  No one else is like unique and wonderful you.  Sure you have flaws, so does everyone.  But you're good at something, aren't you? What is it about yourself that makes you smile? C'mon...there's something. You're kind, or you're smart, or a really good cook.  Something.  What is it about you that you actually like? Really think about it for a few seconds. 

That! Right there.  That good thought about yourself you just had.  I want you to take that thought and pluck it out of the air and put it back inside your heart.  Hug it there for just a moment.  Let yourself smile. And say out loud: "It wasn't me." even if you don't believe it right now. 

And now, I want you to watch this video.  It might not be your cup of tea.  And if it isn't, that's ok.  But do me a favor, instead of writing off the idea of self-love as hokey just because I've sent you off to YouTube to watch some goofy bald dude when there are oh so many cute puppy videos to watch instead and are waaay more fun, instead...Google: "How to love myself."  Find a book that will help you gain self-love.  Read eHow articles. Get a therapist. Do what you have to do to get happy about being YOU.

Click here if you can't see the video

Because it's the only way you're ever going to get your narcissist's voice out of your head and replace it with your own. They had their turn, and look where it got you.  Now, it's your turn.